Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
