i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
