my phone needs a breathalizer
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
