she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
