Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
