when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
