Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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