yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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