i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
