someone threw a dead crab at me
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
