please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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