i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
