Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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