guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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