I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
