hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
