If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
