My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
