I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
