The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
