she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
