i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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