Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
