Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
