last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
