in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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