If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
