I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
