I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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