Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
