maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
