Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
