i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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