remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
