I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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