Only a mothe r could love this liver
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
