Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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