meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
