Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
