When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
