I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
