He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
