3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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