For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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