when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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