I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Acid is not a monday night drug
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
