Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I need moral support for this bender
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
