My hand turned me down
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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