I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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