I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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