Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
