Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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